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[19 Mar 2009|12:08pm] |
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i'm a little lost.
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[27 Nov 2008|11:29am] |
I am thankful for the sky above me, the ground below me, and all the people who have loved me in between.
( I am thankful that I'm alive. )
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[03 Nov 2008|08:35pm] |
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tomorrow could be a very, very sad day.
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| <><> |
[25 Oct 2008|12:49am] |
I made you pull over tonight on our way home. We were on I75 and the music felt so good and my heart couldn't stop pounding. My eyes couldn't stop watering, I wanted to cry, but instead I asked you to dance.
Pull over.
Why?
Just pull over.
Are you okay?
I've never been better.
The car came to a stop by the side of the road. It was three in the morning. There was barely anyone on the road. I turned up the music, as loud as it could go, and pulled you close so that our noses were touching. Eskimo kisses in the late night hour never felt better. You smiled and I pulled you an inch closer so that our lips touched sending pulses of electricity through my body.
Let's go.
Go where?
Dancing.
Where?
You'll see.
I opened the car door and slid out of the passenger seat. You cautiously opened the car door and looked around at the dark and empty road. I swayed to the music in the middle of the road, feeling more free than ever. I sang to you my favorite verse and you moved slowly towards me. I could tell you were still uncomfortable standing on a road where cars go over seventy miles an hour. I pulled you into me and you began to sway to the music coming from the open car doors. The headlights shone a yellowish glow on us, and you picked up on the next verse, and whispered it into my ear, as our bodies moved together like one.
You're crazy.
I know.
I love it.
I know.
I love you.
I love you more.
You spun me around and I saw the oncoming car coming towards us. We continued to dance, I was almost mad a car would interrupt this moment, this beautiful, sensuous moment.
Come on.
Just a second longer.
It's been a second.
Just a few more.
The lights came closer, the car was speeding towards us, maybe containing a dad going home to his kids. A family heading home from a vacation. A lonely soul looking for love on the interstate. Nevertheless, it was a car barreling towards us. The headlights blinded me as I stared it down, and then I felt your arms around my waist pulling me, grabbing me, rescuing me from the lonely driver. We collapsed against the car, both breathing heavilly, hearts racing, and I couldn't stop smiling. You looked at me and smiled, what else could you do. You kissed me passionately, feverishly, lovingly, and for a good three minutes it was just us, the stars, the music, and the dark road around us, we were alone again. We finally pried ourselves away and finished the drive home, where we curled up in bed together, and I nestled my head into your chest and you held me like I was a lost child, and it felt like home except a thousand times better.
I love you.
I love you times ten.
I love you times one hundred.
I love you times nine hundred and ninety-nine.
I love you times three hundred thousand.
I love you times infinity and beyond.
You always knew that would end the game, but you always let me say it anyway. You kissed me on the forehead and said goodnight and sweet dreams. I kissed your chest. I kissed your neck. I hoped by osmosis, my love went through your skin, and with each kiss you felt it more and more. I hoped you felt my love in your blood for all of time. For infinity and beyond.
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[14 Oct 2008|09:31pm] |
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i don't know how much more i can take, i really don't.
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[19 Aug 2008|03:06am] |
figures, you would coincide with a natural disaster.
that's all you've ever been to me, a natural disaster.
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[09 Aug 2008|11:44am] |
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music |
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your new twin sized bed |
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you know what some of the worst feelings in the world are?
holding someone in your arms and knowing they wish you were someone else
and holding someone in your arms and wishing they were someone else.
things are rough sometimes but the rain woke me up this morning.
i need a new start. playing it safe got old real fast.
watch out.
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[07 Aug 2008|02:39am] |
i'm terrified to see you again
and it's okay if you know that.
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| post-war |
[03 Aug 2008|03:23am] |
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he looked into my eyes with a look of confusion and whispered, "what are you?"
i sadly shook my head and replied, "i am a dying breed. i am a wild thing."
he suddenly understood and lightly kissed my forehead, because he knew then we would never be together. for a wild thing roams the earth looking for more of their kind. his heart was not made like mine. his heart could settle down, whereas mine could not.
so, i clutched his hands in my trembling hands and whispered, "you are beautiful, i'll never forget you."
we said goodbye in tears and that was that, just like this is this, and a wild thing is always a wild thing.
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| why so serious? |
[26 Jul 2008|02:07am] |
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music |
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come together |
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So, I just saw Batman for the second time and this time I sat there contemplating a lot more, since most of the suspense had already been experienced. After the movie, I asked my dad if he thought the Joker was more than just a role in a movie. I asked him if he thought Batman was a world wide documentary of Heath Ledger's demise, his slip into a dark side he couldn't be brought back from. My dad responded I think Heath Ledger was just doing a great job. I agree, I think Heath did a phenomenal job, but part of me wondered how anyone could ever really crave to become actors. Don't get me wrong, I would love to play a person in a romance story or maybe a comedy, but these actors who sign on to do sinister roles, where does the character end and they begin?
Where did the Joker end and Heath Ledger begin? Did he go home at night still smacking his lips, still thinking like the Joker? He said in the movie all you need is a push to become mad, do you think when he said that line, take after take, that he was being pushed, that maybe this method acting, this role of a person who had no faith in humanity caused him to lose sleep at night? I watch the movie and I can't help but think I could never be an actress. I could never be someone else day after day. I'd be too afraid to lose myself, too afraid to creep into the dark side where you do not come back.
I think you have to know yourself, I mean, really know yourself to become an actor. You have to look into the mirror every morning and see yourself, not your character, because as soon as you forget who you are, yes it could lead to great acting, but also detrimental side effects. This is just late night rambling, but I don't know, I hope Heath knew who he was in his last hours. I hope the monster I saw on the big screen was merely a character, not a representation of what Heath became in his last nights alive. My dad told me at least he ended on an amazing note, with an amazing performance, and I agree, I just hope it was fiction not a documentary of someone being pushed over the edge.
( you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain )
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[24 Jul 2008|12:11am] |
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music |
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when i dream of michelangelo |
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skeleton, skeleton tell me your name.
you are intriguing and beautiful,
and as you sway closer to me i feel my heart race.
you're tied to a leash wrapped around your owner's wrist,
but you are enticing.
you are mystical,and the closer you move
towards me the more intrigued i become.
skeleton, skeleton can we please be friends?
we can sit in the closet and you can introduce me
to your kind, to your friends, and to your family.
they form a line as if for roll call and your owner
calls out greed, deceit, addiction
and each skeleton steps forward and majestically takes a bow.
skeleton, skeleton tell me your name.
are you greed or deceit? you all look the same.
i suppose it doesn't matter i'll know in time,
when we hide in the closets and i mingle with your kind.
you're edging closer and i feel my skin slowly
slipping off, as a leash locks around my neck
i begin to realize inside we are all the same.
as i stand in front of you with my bones exposed
you whisper, skeleton, skeleton tell me your name.
( reaching for something divine )
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[23 Apr 2008|10:59pm] |
i want to stream line till i find the center. i'm tired of all the clutter that literally and figuratively surrounds me on a daily basis. i'm tired of having so much anger and loneliness inside of me, and i truly want to look at people and see the good in them, but i find it easier to see the flaws instead. i've trusted and i've trusted and every time i've wound up in the same mess, and it's all too tiring for a girl who feels like she's the walking dead. i wake up tired, i fall asleep tired, i come home tired, i go out tired, and when i wake up now i face my clock and it's almost like a standoff. my clock tells me i need to get up, but i sadly look into the digital numbers and close my eyes again, i'd rather keep sleeping and i know that can't be healthy.
i don't think i'm depressed, but i'm certainly not ecstatic about the way my life is going. it's a scary and shaky time, and i want to graduate and i want to move on, but part of me keeps wondering how i'm going to make it on my own, and then part of me says, "danielle, you've always been on your own." i want to wake up in someone's arms every morning, and i want to wake up and feel energized and feel like every day is important. i feel like i'm killing time, and i'm fed up with feeling like these last months have been just an interval for the real world to set in.
you know how people say they have off days and on days? well, i feel like i'm never quite on. i'm like a good song on a shitty sound system, or a walking, talking, breathing anachronism that was born in the wrong generation and raised with a group of kids who aren't like me. there are days when i come home from school and want to run until i fly, and when i rest my hand on the window and let the wind play with the spaces in between my fingers, i feel like i want to just get out and be alive.
why can't i ever feel alive, i'm almost there, i know it. i'm sure i'm just over analyzing this slump i'm in, but it kills me that i need someone to make me feel happy all the time. i guess i can't be my own source of enjoyment until i've figured everything out, but i love myself so much more than i used to, and that is one thing that feels so great. i've recently discovered i'm a magnet for self destructive boys, and that all those nights when we wrapped around each other and i thought this was perfect it wasn't at all. as lost as i am sometimes, i'm always in sight of the road. i'm always just a little off the beaten path, but the people i surround myself with are so far gone they're never coming back. i worry sometimes i see myself in these boys, that when i look into their eyes what attracts me is the nervous glances and the idea in the back of their mind that keeps screaming, "what if this is all i'm ever going to be?!" i keep telling myself i am so much more stable then they are, but doesn't crazy find comfort in crazy? i'm tired of being the hero, i'm tired of being their saviour, i want to look into eyes and see confidence, and yes i know everyone at my age is unsure, but i want to see something besides this horrifying fear of the unknown. i want to see a courage and a determination, i want to see fire burning in their eyes, because that's what i feel inside me. i feel this passion that i can't even begin to explain, and perhaps that's why i'm writing this, because there is something inside me dying to get out. i feel like i'm always on the verge of suffocating and every time i try to get to my dreams my family puts their hand out and tells me i'm crazy, and i want to say i know i am, but it's the crazy ones that do the most amazing things. from now on when i meet people i want to look into their eyes and fall into their arms and feel a comfort, and instead of having to be a rock and a constant encouragement to tell them they have potential, i want them to know they have potential. i want these people who have so much inside of them to know that they do, and regardless of whether people call them conceited or other names to run them down, i want them to know they are beautiful and do something about the way their life is going. i want to be around people who push themselves and encourage me to be the best i can be, you are the momentum in your life, i refuse to sit around with people who are a sinking ship of lost talent. i've believed in so many people, but just like how people eventually learn that santa isn't real or that the tooth fairy doesn't give you money, i've learned that i'm going to have to push myself for all the people who couldn't do it.
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[03 Apr 2008|06:18pm] |
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my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
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[23 Oct 2007|09:31pm] |
tell me a secret either annoymously or through your account
i'm going to try to do an art project that incorporates them.
thanks<333
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| you keeep speaking and all i can think of is how your lips would feel against mine. |
[09 May 2007|10:59pm] |
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music |
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legion of doom |
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you remind me of the way my grandmother used to measure my height on the wall,
and strange as it may sound, i judge my growth by you.
you're sleeping over and i'm different and i'm detached and maybe
everyone was right when they told me, "danielle you've changed."
but you sang me a song, so sweet it made me cry, and i sat on the floor
bathed in the orange-yellow light and let tears fall down my cheeks,
no boy has ever seen me cry.
you kept singing and i could feel all the pain that you felt
in addition to my own, and my tears streamed down my face and
i would be afraid it would ruin my make up, but i don't hide around you.
"your faith was strong, but you needed proof, you saw her bathing
on the roof," and god, it hurt but in a way i've never hurt before.
i thought back to last week on our family excursion where i watched,
and cried, and talked, and it hurt like that but it was less beautiful,
it was real. my tears dripped onto my applications for college, and i
wonder if the schools will see the broken applicant i am,
but i can't change who i am anymore, i don't want to,
"she tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your thrown and
she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah,"
and you have to be truly broken, before you can put yourself back
together, i wasn't proud but i wasn't ashamed.
i'm falling asleep earlier and waking up earlier
and i'm smiling more and meaning it, and i can't tell you the reasons,
but i feel more alive and i feel more in love,
even though i've never been so uninvolved with a boy.
my pillows are sufficing, but i must admit when i fall asleep
i miss dreaming of whomever was the lucky winner that night.
my fingers are running through my hair that will not grow,
then running through the humid air that fills the car when the windows
are down, but i'm not down like i used to be. the wind feels refreshing
and liberating, and i can feel it and i remember when her apology
flew out the window, and i remember how life used to be and thank
god, it's different now.
i'm always ravenous and i don't know why, so i eat, instead of this time
last year when i starved, and now i don't know if it's good or bad
that i am filling my appetite for life and putting my studies ahead of
boys. it must be good because for once i'm not crying myself to sleep.
my teeth are shifting because i keep forgetting to wear my retainer,
and my face is broken out because i keep forgetting to take my pills,
and i'm becoming more and more imperfect and it's scary, but maybe
i need to be imperfect for awhile, and i need to breathe and i need to relax
and i need this summer to be beautiful, more beautiful than ever
before. no more dreaming the day away, i'd rather live the day away.
but now when i cry it feels so good and hurts so bad at the same time
and you would think that would result in a numbness but no,
it's still painful but it's revitalizing because
the bad is coming out of me finally, all the pain i used to feel
it's coming to the surface and i'm getting healthier and finally
my insides aren't so twisted, finally,
hallelujah.
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[30 Mar 2007|11:06am] |
i miss my camera and my good health.
i hope they both come back soon,
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